I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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