Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
