y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
