he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
