she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
