the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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