"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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