A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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