I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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