omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize