You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
