Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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