1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
