my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
