What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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