Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
