I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
