I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
