the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
