so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
