I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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