And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
