Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
