I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize