I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
