I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
