I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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