apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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