looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
