I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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