We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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