6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
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