Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
