Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
