I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
