Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
