She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
