i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
