Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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