i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize