Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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