Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
