i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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