My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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