Where did you get a picture of my penis
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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