Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
