just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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