Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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