I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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