these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You've changed since you got that strap on
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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