i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
