I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
