Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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