Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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