I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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