I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Barsexuality is the new black.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize