I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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