11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
