What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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