that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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