Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
