cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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