if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
