My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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