We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
